Looking Back

Looking back…I haven’t slept away from Audrey since December of last year. She has been in me or beside me since she was conceived. And the thought of her sleeping in her crib, in her room (which is literally steps away across the hall) makes me feel like she’s already leaving to go to college and never ever ever ever coming back. It’s an ache I can’t describe and one that I know will linger forever.

Looking backI have the most amazing sister. She flew to Louisiana with less than 12 hours notice to surprise me the day Audrey was born. She is the closest thing to a twin to me, and her being there during those first, raw days made such a huge, unspeakable difference. She picked up the housework slack where I could not, loved on my baby when I was too tired to physically do so and made me feel less crazy when I thought I was really going off the rails. She is so strong, brave and adventurous and I can’t wait for Audrey to love her as much as I do.

Looking back…I also have the most amazing parents and in-laws. Both were there through the entire night of labor, cheering us on. My parents were there when we brought Audrey home and threw us an impromptu party to celebrate such a momentous occasion. Both of our parents have been there the last few months for late night baby questions, snuggle sessions and babysitting duties. And are a perfect model for me and Jason of how wonderful family really is. And I can’t forget my beautiful sister-in-law who I can see loves Audrey so deeply, and can’t wait to show her all the wonderful things in life. Audrey’s a lucky little girl to have a Tia Julie 🙂

Looking back…I sometimes struggle with comparing myself to other moms. How they delivered their babies, how they sleep train their babies, how much weight they’ve lost. I fall into the trap of thinking “they could do it, why couldn’t I,” going as far as comparing my C-section to my other, more womanly friends who could actually deliver their babies the “real” way. But then I’m reminded of a quote I read a few days after giving birth: “babies will never care how they were born, just that they were.” And I’m comforted by blogs like this one that show me we all struggle with comparison, but how harmful it can be, and how to turn to God for truth, honesty and grace in Him. And I’m reminded constantly by Jason how strong I was during labor, how much I did to care for Audrey and no matter how she got here, it only matters that she is here.

Looking back…I would do this over and over again. Having babies is hard, but so wonderful, the roller coaster is worth it.