Happy belated Easter! I hope you enjoyed your family time, but most importantly enjoyed celebrating God’s grace and sacrifice that allows us these celebrations.
I admit, I did not prepare well for this Easter.
I’ve been so caught up in school, life, family, etc. that I failed miserably at preparing my heart for the meaning of this past weekend. I could wax poetic about how we always miss the reasons for the seasons, and our preoccupation with material and commercial things overshadow our true needs for forgiveness and salvation. How we “somehow mistakenly” miss it.
But not this time. Honestly, I just flat out failed. I ignored it. I paid no attention to it, almost on purpose. I was burnt. Burnt on making the effort. Burnt on trying to fit one more ounce of emotional need into my life. Burnt on fitting our creation of a family into a pre-fabricated church box. I couldn’t muster the energy or culpability to say I was wrong, so I just kept moving forward, without prayer or conviction. I guess you could say (in church lingo) I’m going through a valley. And Easter was just one more reminder of my failure.
I LOVED the family part of Easter. It’s what I needed. But I did not love the faith part of Easter. And it’s one of the first times in my life I’ve felt this disconnected from something that is so innate to me. It makes me prickly and uncomfortable. On one of the holiest days of the year, I was emotionally absent.
So, I’m praying for redemption, and for patience. I’m praying for understanding that as far away as I feel, I’m never too far from God. And I’m praying for forgiveness. I’m praying that I don’t make this a habit, and that I soon feel settled. It’s actually one of those times where I’m not sure all that I’m praying for, but I have faith God knows my heart and hears my unspoken and unknown prayers. My little light may be dim, but it’s not out.
Have you been through this before? I hope I’m not alone in this.